Autumn Mornings
by Error598205
Summary: An actress' thoughts as she passed her final resting place every fall. AU of chapter 132.


I'd like to thank the author, **Number Eleven is my OC** , for inspiring me to write this piece of angst instead of updating my other work. This is a challenge from a friend of mine who wants to remain unnamed. His prompt was _angst-filled autumn_. Enjoy~

* * *

I almost felt free of the pain that beat down on me for the past year. _Almost._

Regardless of what anyone else in my position would say, I think this is a punishment. What else could it be but that? ...I could see why they'd think this is a good thing though. If I was any other person, I would have been happy to see them again. Thing is, it isn't that simple.

I don't deserve to see them again.

It was all just an **act**.

I **lied** to them.

I **manipulated** them.

I **used** them to achieve my own goal...most especially _him_.

* * *

...at least, I tried to use them. **I failed and lost my own life in the process.**

* * *

It's funny how things ended up like this. I tried to kill our teacher to avenge my sister by using a class of assassins, while they thought of how to save me. Sometimes, when a feeling I could not define clouds my mind, I wonder why they bothered. After showing my true self, why did they want to get me back? Did they think I wasn't honest with them when I said it was all an act? Did they think I would give up my revenge, my _sister_ , for people I knew for less than a year? **Pathetic**.

Yet here I am, aimlessly walking around the classroom, three autumn seasons after the class' graduation. I heard it all from Koro-sensei - their _unnecessary_ mourning for me, the class civil war, their trip to space, everything until their graduation. I also heard the truth of my sister's death, which made me rethink my decisions.

 _What if I had only listened? What if I asked sensei about it first? ...what if I could have been saved?_ These questions were useless of course. I couldn't have asked, not with the anger I held and the bloodlust of the tentacles driving me close to insanity; and if I was saved...what then? Would they have accepted me despite what I had done? I don't think so.

* * *

Ironic, isn't it, appearing in this classroom every fall? The name I had told them to call me, _Kaede_ , meant maple.

* * *

It's been about seven years since the day they said goodbye to sensei. I was surprised when Nakamura Rio stood in front of my grave after everyone had finished cleaning and left. My grave wasn't much - it was just a white slab of marble with my fake name and birthday, and the day I died. " _May we know you better next time," they engraved...why?_

She told me she liked Nagisa, and I thought, "Why are you telling me this?"

* * *

 **What I may or may not have felt for him shouldn't affect your decision.**

* * *

She asked me for my blessing, which was unnecessary. Still, I bothered to blow some maple - see the irony there - leaves towards her. I think she got some sort of answer as she left shortly after that.

...and another autumn passes.

* * *

Another seven years after that, Rio came back with two other people. Nagisa and a little black-haired girl. _Could it be...?_

"Hey Kayano, it's been a while. You remember Nagisa, right? We got married four years ago, so you'd have to call me Rio now, since Nakamura is no longer my surname..." _So they did get together. Good for them..._

"See the girl with us? She's our daughter. She gets her black hair from Nagi's side of the family." Said girl approached my grave with her father right behind her. They have the same eyes.

"We named her Akari."

They didn't. Please tell me I heard that wrong. _Akari_ approached me as if she could see me. _Can she see me?_

"Hello, I'm Akari Shiota! It's nice to finally meet you!"

I tried replying. "I don't think you should be happy about meeting me. I caused a lot of chaos to all of them, most especially for your father."

As if hearing what I said, she gave me a small smile. "I know, they told me. They said they're okay though! They forgave you long ago!"

They did?

Ha, they're all **fools**.

Yet, why do I feel so _light_ , hearing her say that?

* * *

 _Maybe I was the fool, denying the love and happiness that they showed me. Maybe I'll ask them for forgiveness someday, when we see each other again. Maybe I can finally show them my true self, without the act. Maybe._

* * *

They were the last thing I saw before the spring came. After that, I never came back. I was at peace.


End file.
